October 2012
4 posts
4 tags
Fw: Fwd: Grace and the...
An older lady named Grace was somewhat lonely since her cat died and she decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, ‘I’M SO LONELY, TOO . BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.....
5 tags
Fw: Seniors Still Need Print Media
I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. “This is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.” I can tell you this — that darn fly never knew what hit him.
6 tags
Fw: Longest nerve in the body
Longest Nerve In The Body
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It’s called the Optirectal Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don’t believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn’t bring a tear to your eyes. HAVE A NICE...
5 tags
Fw: Fwd: FW: Coffee and Testicles
Coffee and Testicles
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That will...
April 2012
4 posts
7 tags
Fw: Lipstick in Catholic School
Lipstick in Catholic School According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little...
5 tags
Subject: FW: GOLFER AT THE DENTIST....very sporty...
Subj: GOLFER AT THE DENTIST….very sporty of him! GOLFER AT THE DENTIST This one may bring a little mist to your eyes… only a golfer would understand………….. A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so...
11 tags
Subject: FW: Dangerous foods
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Madison WI. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode the lining of your stomach. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fats can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that...
5 tags
Fw: A blonde, ice fishing........................
Ice Fishing eh………………
THE BLONDE AND THE LORD A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER...
January 2012
3 posts
13 tags
Fw: HEALTH MESSAGE (please, give me a break)
HEALTH MESSAGE (please, give me a break) As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s ass.
It’s the tortoise life for me!
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is...
17 tags
Fw: Holiday Songs for those half a bubble off...
10 CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED:
1. Schizophrenia —- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder —- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia —- I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic —- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic —- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and...
10 tags
Fw: How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly JUST TOO CUTE.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter “What are you doing?” She asked. “Hunting Flies” He responded. “Oh. ! Killing any?” She asked. “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”...
December 2011
6 posts
8 tags
Fw: Fwd: state trooper
Parked on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, ‘This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!’ So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back…..wide-eyed and white as...
7 tags
Fw: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Deductive Reasoning (Priests &...
There were two nuns.. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) . It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will...
11 tags
Fw: Fwd: Fw: To find inner peace............
Age is an issue of mind over matter, if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Mark Twain
I’m passing this on because it worked for me today.
A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start, & we all could use more calm in our lives.
I looked around my house to find things I’d started...
6 tags
Fw: A Computer Programmer's Wife Asks Him to Go To...
A wife asks her husband, a software programmer; “Could you please go to the store for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!”
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, “Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had eggs.”
Think about it.
7 tags
Fw: Remember at Christmas Time
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME …
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. ...
7 tags
Fw: Wine, Champagne, Whisky?
On the last day of school before the Christmas break, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager’s daughter brought the teacher a beautiful basket of assorted fruit. The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a huge, pretty box of asst. candy. Then the liquor-store ...
November 2011
6 posts
6 tags
Fw: A bottle of wine
THE BOTTLE OF WINE For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine: Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car...
9 tags
Fw: Fwd: Fw: twenty dollars
TWENTY DOLLARS On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked For $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed. Arriving home...
7 tags
Fw: Marriage both sides
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. __________ At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? ”Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’ ________ A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: ‘Husband Wanted’. Next day she received a hundred...
8 tags
Fw: Pink dress - will I get this back??
This is just beautiful. Please pass it on.
The Pink Dress
There was this little girl sitting by herself in the park.
Everyone passed by her and never stopped to see why she looked so sad.
Dressed in a worn pink dress, barefoot and dirty, the girl just sat and watched the people go by.
She never tried to speak..
She never said a word.
Many people passed by her, but no one would stop....
6 tags
Subject: Fw: FW: PROSTATE EXAM ADVICE
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the Canadian National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and...
7 tags
Subject: FW: AA v. AAA
I took my uncle to his first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. You ever been to an AA meeting? I went, but we ended up at an AAA meeting by mistake. The thing is, we didn’t know it. Everybody’s sitting there filling out forms and reading maps. We’re looking at it going, ‘How is this going to help?’ But my uncle’s a trooper. He stood up and said, ‘My name...
October 2011
6 posts
5 tags
FW: Church Ladies with Typewriters(FUNNY!)
Dear All, These quotes illustrate how easy it is to make a mistake in one’s typing”
Church ladies with typewriters. They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS & TYPOS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer...
6 tags
Fw: Fwd: Nine Months Later
9 MONTHS LATER!!! John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could...
9 tags
Fw: Fwd: Fwd: They Walk Among Us
They Walk Among Us
…..I was at the checkout of a K-Mart, the clerk rang up $46.64. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me $46.64. I gave her the money back and told her she had made a mistake in my favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she...
1 tag
Fw: Men
This is a good one! Enjoy…. > > Men Are Just Happier People — > > What do you expect from such simple creatures? > > Your last name stays put. > > The garage is all yours. > > Wedding plans take care of themselves. > > Chocolate is just another snack. > > You can be President. (Don’t count Sara out!) > > You can never be...
6 tags
Fw: FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE...
FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman...
7 tags
Fw: The Italian Elbow
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is onna da right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you...
September 2011
11 posts
5 tags
Fw: Where's the proofreader?......
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say? Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before...
14 tags
6 tags
7 tags
Fw: BEER WARNING
This is alarming!
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that’s right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by ...
5 tags
9 tags
Fw: Fwd: Good Advice
A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.” The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?” The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.” The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?” The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s...
11 tags
12 tags
FW: female humor/lcb loretta
Great Female Humor! After you read the message about the pilots, please find
Time to read the quote of the day—it is so perfect.
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, ‘Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take...
6 tags
11 tags
FW: Finally! Good Clean Humor
GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.” DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a...
4 tags
Fw: Fwd: FW: EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS 1. A man comes into the ER and yells …’ My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San...
August 2011
5 posts
6 tags
Fw: Warning
Subject: Shampoo Warning I just discovered this important info below. Please share with all your friends. I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!!!!! It’s the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and (duh!) Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, ”FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND ...
8 tags
Fw: The Kiss
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man called Frank, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an ...
7 tags
8 tags
Fw: Fwd: Fw: : Don't Laugh. This could be you.
Subject: : Don’t Laugh. This could be you. Don’t Laugh - This could be you. If you don’t understand this now, you will in a few years.. When asked by a young patrol officer “Do you know you were speeding”? This 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating … “Yes, but I had to...
7 tags
Fw: Fwd: SHINGLES............more issues with the...
WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!
Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Bubba: Bubba...
15 tags
Fw: Warning
Warning!!! Very important, please read!!! Vodka on ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum on ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey on ice will ruin your heart. Gin on ice will ruin your brain. Coke on ice will ruin your teeth. That bloody ice is lethal!!! Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice!!
July 2011
9 posts
12 tags
FW: Fwd: Fwd: LAWNS
God said: “Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey...
10 tags
FW: E-Mail Of The Year
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: ‘Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.’ God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The...
5 tags
FW: Puns For Educated Minds
Puns For Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,...
6 tags
FW: Enjoy---What's not to???
When you have an ‘I Hate My Job day’ [Even if you’re retired, you sometimes have those days] Try this out: Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be...
