Lipstick in Catholic School
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers….. And then there are educators!!!
Filed under catholic school lipstick maintenance man mirror bathroom toilet humor
Subj: GOLFER AT THE DENTIST….very sporty of him!
GOLFER AT THE DENTIST This one may bring a little mist to your eyes… only a golfer would understand…………..
A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already… I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.” So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him……..”
Filed under golfer wife dentist tee time married
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Madison WI.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
of us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode the lining of
your stomach. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fats can be
disastrous, and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and most of us have or will at some point eat
it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief
and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of silence, a 75 year old man in the front row
raised his hand and softly said “Wedding cake?”
Filed under Dangerous Foods Doctor Madison WI red meat soft drinks chinese food MSG wedding cake joke foward dad
Ice Fishing eh………………
THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
”THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
She stopped, looked skyward! and said,
”IS THAT YOU LORD?”
The voice replied,
”NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!”
Filed under blonde joke foward ice fishing hockey rink the lord
HEALTH MESSAGE (please, give me a break)
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s ass.
It’s the tortoise life for me!
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise??
I don’t think so I’m retired… Go around me.
Filed under health message give me a break tortoise postman walking/cycling whale fat rabbit exercise health forward dad retired
10 CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED:
1. Schizophrenia —- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder —- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia —- I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic —- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic —- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and… Trees and…..
6. Paranoid —- Santa Claus is Coming to Town …. to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder —- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder —- You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder —- Silent night, Holy… oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Filed under half a bubble off plumb what does that even mean holiday songs disturbed Schizophrenia Multiple Personality Disorder Dementia Narcissistic Manic Paranoid Borderline Personality Disorder Personality Disorder Attention Deficit Disorder Obsessive Compulsive Disorder whoever wrote this doesn't know what these disorders are forward dad
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
JUST TOO CUTE.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
“What are you doing?”
She asked.
“Hunting Flies”
He responded.
“Oh. ! Killing any?”
She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
“How can you tell them apart?”
He responded,
“3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
Filed under JUST TOO CUTE sex of a fly flies hunting flies husband wife beer phone forward dad
Parked on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
He thinks to himself, ‘This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!’
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back…..wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, ‘Officer, I don’t understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?’
The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
‘But before you go, Ma’am, I have to ask…. is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken.’
‘Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer.
We just got off Highway 127.’
Filed under state trooper forward dad old ladies speeding Highway 22 Highway 127 speed limit
There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
Filed under Nuns deductive reasoning sister logical sister mathematical only logical dad forward
Age is an issue of mind over matter, if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Mark Twain
I’m passing this on because it worked for me today.
A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start, & we all could use more calm in our lives.
I looked around my house to find things I’d started & hadn’t finished. So I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss.
Hoopy Halidies!
Filed under inner peace dr on tv finish what you start merlot chardonnay baileys run valium chocolate dad forward
